Whats in a dollar? Not just 100 pennies.

You always hear the biggest cause of divorce is money. Today after having a heated "conversation" with my husband and him leaving the house without the conflict resolved I just sit here wondering what is it about money that literally divides so many couples??? Really we are talking about a thing, something that helps acquire stuff and obviously pays for the necessities but what is it that we are really getting at when money is the cause of the fight. Billy and I have what I would say was a decent relationship. I wouldnt lie and say it is perfection but I definitely know it gets worse than this. We can fight about little things such as household chores, kid related arguments, and what not but nothing seems to get more rage than money. Im so frustrated because I always told myself I wouldn't fight over money. It was dumb and just a thing that wasn't worth our precious time. I grew up in a house where money was always scarce and as a result many mornings I woke up to a screaming and yelling match going on until I pretty much left for school that day. It directed how I felt the rest of the day, made me not want to go home, so when I say I swore off money argument let me tell you I meant it. It seemed like an easy thing to to denounce when the first 4 years of our marriage we had enough to pay our bills and then a little extra.
Yet today, the argument stemming from not having enough money has left me really wondering how can something so stupid lead to such hurtful division in a marriage?
I dont know at this point I am conclusive on anything so if you are reading to get an answer I have little to offer. This is what
My guess is that money is symbolic, it symbolizes different things for the husband than it does for the wife, it has different meaning for people with different economic backgrounds, it means something different for people who grew up in different faith backgrounds and their understanding of God's provision. Those differences have no need to be revealed until there is not enough money. That is when the differences become clear, the expectations are revealed and the fights begin. I've done enough marriage studies and read enough marriage books to know that the cause of all arguments boil down to having expectations.
I could break down and explain how our argument goes but the reality is that to tell the detail only reminds me how ridiculous most of the arguments are.
If I get to the base my faulty expectations are that I expect that my husband will provide for his family without fail. I become frustrated when he can't and in turn try to take over and take away his ability to lead. Leadership does not equal financial stability...I am learning. I also have the baggage of growing up in a home where money was always scarce and there are some times that we went without even the bare necessities. A horrible feeling...an anxiety that sits in the pit of my stomach to even remember some of these times. When those memories start to run parallel with my current life I start to get all sorts of panicky. I say things that I would typically refrain from saying out of fear and angst. I then am reminded that although I believe God is alive and well in me and in my family I tend to take finances and try to manage that situation on my own, not allowing God to enter in to this part of my life. Im getting better at this, much much better, but know it is not natural. It is not what I was brought up to do. If things weren't going well than you do anything in your power to fix it. Prayer was never thought of as an option.
So this is the way I think.
My husband typically on the defense of this has not only expectations for me, but his perspective is much different. He comes from a family of financial stability, not wealth but not intense financial worry. He comes from a Christian home where prayer was not foreign. He also has the added difference of having to succomb to not being able to financially provide which has caused him to lose some of his drive for leadership. You can only get knocked off your horse so many times before you have trouble getting up. I tend to not help him get up and sometimes even am the one sideswiping him and knocking him down. I admit this and am working on it.

So this is my recipe for a nasty all out yelling match, complete with name calling, cheap shots and ultimately cold shoulders.

We are nowhere near divorce and likely when my hubby comes back home we will be okay again but it does make me sad that a relationship where I can honestly still say that God ordained and that we are soul mates, that we can get so caught up in something as dumb as money.
It does make sense why it is said money is the root of all evil. Money masks so many other issues. Who would of thought a green piece of paper with an old guy and a serial number on it could have such an impact?

Oh and the whole kid fight thing. I dont remember fighting with my siblings so young. I likely did fight as young as 3 but I just choose to not remember, maybe for the sheer reason that I likely started it...selective memory I guess. If I can ever find the cords for my camera I will post video. I do my best to turn each one into a teaching moment and breaking it up as necessary but sometimes while saying no I just have to laugh at these kiddos. Emma plays what I like to call Whack-a-Mole on Isaiah's head. She makes it a point to hit him nowhere else but right smack dab with an open hand on the top of his head. It is premeditated and thought out. Isaiah just looks up at her and makes it a point to hit her back but typically it follows up with him krinkling up his eyebrows and saying in his deepest voice "NooNoo!" Not as funny written out but definitely humorous to watch. Let me work on that camera.

The spilled juice blessing???

If there is anything to be taught in Billy not having a job is to take joy in the little things and live for today. Today it is beautiful out, the sun is shining, the unusually cool breeze going through my house on a mid August day, my kids are healthy, we are all chillin out in our jammies at 1pm....Awesome! I think people get to do this stuff everyday and let the days just pass and take for granted this time. I know I did. I stayed home and yet I only have a few good memories of the year I spent exclusively at home. I could have made memories but instead I found ways to complain about the monotany, the need to feel appreciated (if you dont believe me look at previous posts). I hate having to learn lessons the hard way, yet it seems like that is the only way I get it. So Billy is out of work and I have been working many hours to try to put a dent in the growing amount of debt and past due bills which up till now have been somewhat manageable. Now it is getting tough. We can't keep up like we were before. You can only fix so many family friends and friend of a friend's toilets and faucets before there is nothing to fix. We are praying and recognizing God in all of this which I save for another post, but today I write to just praise Him and let it be known that the little moments matter. This day of breaking up kid fights and cleaning up spilled juice has been a blessing. I love this. Whatever tomorrow brings is irrelevant today. It has no place in consuming my thoughts and robbing me of the beauty of this day as I used to allow it. Praise be to God for giving me perspective.