I dont want to dive!

Since I stopped working I have had this obsession with looking at job postings for possible jobs I would be interested in or could get. Although I am very happy staying at home, there is a piece of the independent woman inside that says that I want to further my career and see how high up I can go.
This obsession is not really an issue but it intrigues me because I spent so much timing figuring out how to get out of a job and now I seem to obsess about the possibilities of having one.
Recently I have been thinking about the fact that when I graduate with my Masters in May I think I will get a part time job. It doesnt smake sense for me not to earn a few extra bucks (in addition to my online job) when I have my Masters. I have a friend who makes about $60 an hour doing counseling for under another woman in private practice. To work even 5 hours a week would be awesome. I have to look into this option at some point.

Other stuff....my little boy can crawl and pull himself up on stuff. It seems like everything happened within like two weeks. My little girl has been saying the cutest things as well. Her latest thing is that since my Mom attempted to explain the picture of my Grandma who passed away to her (where she is, what happened to her) she has been talking alot about it. The funniest thing is the way her brain puts things together. The last thing she told me was that she was old..."my face is old, my arms are old, I am going to dive in the water and go with God in the sky." Something went terribly wrong in the understanding here. Apparently die sounded like dive to her so she needs to dive in the water. The poor girl! We will watch her close when near the deep end of the pool.

Emma and Isaiah are now officially brother and sister. In Emma's eyes Isaiah has finally crossed the line of cute little baby to someone who can easily annoy her, take her toys away, and tattle. I will give a scenario: Isaiah is sitting on the floor and has maneuvered his way to a toy. The toy happens to be a little people princess. Emma says " No Isaiah that is my princess! You play with baby toys." Isaiah looks at her and smiles and proceeds to put it in his mouth. Emma looks at me to make sure I am not looking and grabs it out of his hand. He screams and looks at me to tell me what she has done... yes he tattles now. Emma then pleads her case and I have to explain sharing once again and that as long as it is a safe toy and she wasn't playing with it first then he can play with it. We have crossed over....the battle has just begun.

Superficial and enjoying it

The husband's high school reunion is tomorrow. All of the anxieties that go with going to the reunion has happened to us and our friends in one form or another. I graduated a year later from high school but since I spent most of my time with the class of '97 this is sort of my big reunion.
We have been back and forth whether we want to go or not. We finally decided we were going to go. To the best of our ability we were going to go confidently and be proud of what we had accomplished so far and what better way to do that then to buy new outfits and get our hair done. Yep, totally superificial and not necessarily the best way to gain confidence...but it helps. We figured that we cant take off the excess pounds in a week, we cant change our current life situation so a new outfit was the most attainable thing to make us feel good.
We have actually had a good time so far. Last night we went and bought oufits and today we are going to buy jewelry, shoes and get our hair done. It is like the grown up mommy version of prom.
I really do believe that inner beauty is what counts but bottom line is that it feels good when you are confident about your outer appearance. We all need a boost once and awhile and so if anything we have bonded, laughed alot about some crazy outfits, trying on spanx and jeans that were too small to get past our knees, and had a chance to talk. We were able to have a simple life for even a couple hours where our biggest worry was whether to buy the black or the gold shoes.
Like I said...superficial and loving it.

Okay so, so far I have had about a week since my last post. Not so great. I will attempt to do better. I have been dealing with sick children the entire weekend. I also have this horrendous cold. I can handle me being sick OR the kids being sick not both.
My dilemma (things never change), we are back at birthday time for Emma. This brings all sorts of anxiety for me. Birthday parties have always been an issue for me because I stopped having birthday parties around the age of 12. I have vivid memories of birthday parties where my mom was stressing before every party because she either didnt have the money or didnt have the house clean before company was over. It just made it feel like alot of hooplah for something that happens once a year every year God willing. When my party actually came I had fun but the build up never became worth it. So I sort of became bah humbug on MY birthday. I enjoy celebrating other people's birthdays but my own is an issue.
The other ordeal with birthdays is that I am not a hostess by nature. I have never been an "entertainer." Sorry Mom but another thing from you which is we dont entertain guests at our house unless we have to. The house is never clean enough and we dont enjoy having to think about things like extra toilet paper in the bathroom in case someone runs out or the infamous "Can I get you something to drink?" question. In my mind if you are at my house, you are likely family or a close friend which means two things you know where the drinks are and know that I won't care if you help yourself and you also are smart (I only associate myself with smart people) and you will look to see if you need more toilet paper before you get in there which in turn you will then ask me for some more TP.
Yes, God is working on my heart with this one. I recognize that God calls us to open up our homes to allow for all sorts of things, whether it be a small group, or get together or even the ability to invite my neighbor over with the remote possibility of sharing the Good News. I also recognize that it is difficult to be a hermit when your husband and children are not so I am going to have to get it together and start being Ms. Hospitality.
Either way birthday is about a month away and I have to not only decide where and when but also the whole money thing and how big and what not. As of right now the thought is at my Mom's house (go figure) because it is big enough for both sides of the family.

Baby is fussing and trying not to eat his boogers at the same time. I am going to save him.

A fresh start

So many may already know that I have been down this path before. Excited about starting a blog, posting consistently for about a week and then going MIA for the next two months. This is probably a good representation for my life in general but that analyzing is for another day.

Im calling this my fresh start... my new beginning. I have began a new endeavor in my life and where I was in life with my last blog is a very different spot where I am now. In case you are interested my old blog is www.softballjunkie.blogspot.com I think it is important to read my past to understand my present. As of my last post on my old blog I was a married,working, pregnant mother of one, I was still attending classes about two to three nights a week,money was a little bit more readily available, time was precious and every moment with my child was a gift. I had yet to even fathom the ability to love any child more than my Emma.

What's changed..well quite a bit. Things that have not changed I am still married...Yay! We hit 4 years in May. If I was a celebrity that would be a huge deal. I no longer work full time. Praise the Lord!! I am now at home full time other than a small little online gig with my sister-in-law for some extra cash. Thanks sis! Which then leads to the other big change which is our money situation. It is tighter than it has ever been since we got married. This has been a huge adjustment for our life and lifestyle. For me, it is stepping back into a world similar to my growing up. It is scary and faith-building all in the same. We have managed to pay all of our bills but now every month is a blessing. It is a huge adjustment for my husband though because he has never experienced a life where (gasp) you cant fill your tank full everytime you get gas and you grocery shop for necessities only. A life he has never known and a life I hoped to escape Let me tell you though we are not near on the street or anything like that and we are incredibly blessed with what we have but it has just been a dramatic change that took place rather abruptly for us so bear with me until it works itself out.
As for school, classes are completed. I am within months of finishing my Masters in Counseling Psych. Who knows if I will ever use the degree but it is something that I have wanted to accomplish and therefore am going to do. I now intern at an undisclosed location (for privacy reasons) two nights a week. I enjoy it there and love feeling like my work serves a bigger cause but still not quite sure if counseling is what I want to do. I am pretty good at it and knowledgeable at it but it is the mentally exhausting work. Either way I am a hop, skip and jump away from a Masters. I am definitely determined.
As for my children.... I mentioned earlier that I was unsure and a tad bit anxious about how I could love any child more than my little girl. This has changed as well. Prior to having my little boy Isaiah I knew it would work cause it had to but by far I am overwhelmed by the love I feel for both of my children. It is amazing how that happens. Call it mothers instinct, or a glimpse of God's love for us but I am in awe of the unconditional, unending, and consuming love I have for two children. Some days I think it could stop my heart right then and there when I look at them and think this is God's way of letting me know He is very much real and paid enough attention to me to know that they are exactly what I needed in my life. Which then leads to my last issue which was that every moment with my Emma was a gift. This is something that has not changed but I just have a different perspective now that I spend almost quadruple the time I spent with my kids prior to quitting work. Some days I take the gift for granted and other days I find myself wanting to stop the moment because I know this is likely a memory in the making that I will be looking back on in twenty years and would give my right arm to live again. So no real change there ...every moment is a gift it is just harder to recognize daily when you get to live it all the time.

This is a start...Im sure I will gripe tomorrow but today I had to hook my readers!
Hope it worked.