Its not meant to be understood.

Long time, I know. I have been in a blogging slump. Ive noticed that typically I do not blog as much whenever I have felt like I am running my mouth alot and am able to express myself in talking out loud to other people. That is the case right now. I have had support from many VIP's in my life and therefore am feeling less of a need to talk in a public journal.

I update today mainly because I am sobered by the thought of losing a friend. I feel the need to explain as I have caught myself tearful and emotional and then being questioned in my relationship with this friend. She isnt a best friend, or even someone i consider a close friend. Probably somewhere in the range between acquaintance and friend, but when it comes to my heart and soul friendships, this is one of the closest friends that I have at the moment. Weird maybe, but let me explain. For months (almost a year) I have been praying for a young woman named Leslie from my church. I said a prayer (short and small) when she had her surgery that her doctor said would be a small outpatient surgery to remove some nose polyps. I felt the anxiety for her when they told her they think it may be cancer of her sinuses, I was terrified and my heart hurt when she learned it was a cancerous tumor in her sinuses and forehead. I prayed without cease for her practically every day since, in bed,on my knees, while driving, via email, over the phone with another friend, with my husband, with my kids, in Leslie's front yard, with my extended family, with my church family, out loud, in quiet, in tears, in hope, in loss of hope, in fear for her. I cried and prayed in thought of being her friend, her spouse, her child, her mom, her sister.
As the illness became terminal, I learned so much about myself, the value of a day or even a minute. Recognizing to hold my kids and husband tighter, to get over petty issues with friends, to even find ways to develop relationships that I recognized I took for granted prior. I felt guilt in that I was able to enjoy things she couldn't and yet thankful that I was given the opportunity. Life and death, complicated and complex. The more I think about it the more I think it is supposed to be. If we understood every part of it we wouldnt be able to have moments like this, these paradoxes of thankfulness and confusion, or hope and fear. God wants it this way I think, and until my day comes when I get to meet my Creator I will have to be settled with not understanding. In the meantime, I will continue to trust in what God's plan is for my life and attempt to accept all that gets thrown my way as Leslie has done. Your fight is not in vain my friend, it will have an eternal impact.