Whats in a dollar? Not just 100 pennies.

You always hear the biggest cause of divorce is money. Today after having a heated "conversation" with my husband and him leaving the house without the conflict resolved I just sit here wondering what is it about money that literally divides so many couples??? Really we are talking about a thing, something that helps acquire stuff and obviously pays for the necessities but what is it that we are really getting at when money is the cause of the fight. Billy and I have what I would say was a decent relationship. I wouldnt lie and say it is perfection but I definitely know it gets worse than this. We can fight about little things such as household chores, kid related arguments, and what not but nothing seems to get more rage than money. Im so frustrated because I always told myself I wouldn't fight over money. It was dumb and just a thing that wasn't worth our precious time. I grew up in a house where money was always scarce and as a result many mornings I woke up to a screaming and yelling match going on until I pretty much left for school that day. It directed how I felt the rest of the day, made me not want to go home, so when I say I swore off money argument let me tell you I meant it. It seemed like an easy thing to to denounce when the first 4 years of our marriage we had enough to pay our bills and then a little extra.
Yet today, the argument stemming from not having enough money has left me really wondering how can something so stupid lead to such hurtful division in a marriage?
I dont know at this point I am conclusive on anything so if you are reading to get an answer I have little to offer. This is what
My guess is that money is symbolic, it symbolizes different things for the husband than it does for the wife, it has different meaning for people with different economic backgrounds, it means something different for people who grew up in different faith backgrounds and their understanding of God's provision. Those differences have no need to be revealed until there is not enough money. That is when the differences become clear, the expectations are revealed and the fights begin. I've done enough marriage studies and read enough marriage books to know that the cause of all arguments boil down to having expectations.
I could break down and explain how our argument goes but the reality is that to tell the detail only reminds me how ridiculous most of the arguments are.
If I get to the base my faulty expectations are that I expect that my husband will provide for his family without fail. I become frustrated when he can't and in turn try to take over and take away his ability to lead. Leadership does not equal financial stability...I am learning. I also have the baggage of growing up in a home where money was always scarce and there are some times that we went without even the bare necessities. A horrible feeling...an anxiety that sits in the pit of my stomach to even remember some of these times. When those memories start to run parallel with my current life I start to get all sorts of panicky. I say things that I would typically refrain from saying out of fear and angst. I then am reminded that although I believe God is alive and well in me and in my family I tend to take finances and try to manage that situation on my own, not allowing God to enter in to this part of my life. Im getting better at this, much much better, but know it is not natural. It is not what I was brought up to do. If things weren't going well than you do anything in your power to fix it. Prayer was never thought of as an option.
So this is the way I think.
My husband typically on the defense of this has not only expectations for me, but his perspective is much different. He comes from a family of financial stability, not wealth but not intense financial worry. He comes from a Christian home where prayer was not foreign. He also has the added difference of having to succomb to not being able to financially provide which has caused him to lose some of his drive for leadership. You can only get knocked off your horse so many times before you have trouble getting up. I tend to not help him get up and sometimes even am the one sideswiping him and knocking him down. I admit this and am working on it.

So this is my recipe for a nasty all out yelling match, complete with name calling, cheap shots and ultimately cold shoulders.

We are nowhere near divorce and likely when my hubby comes back home we will be okay again but it does make me sad that a relationship where I can honestly still say that God ordained and that we are soul mates, that we can get so caught up in something as dumb as money.
It does make sense why it is said money is the root of all evil. Money masks so many other issues. Who would of thought a green piece of paper with an old guy and a serial number on it could have such an impact?

Oh and the whole kid fight thing. I dont remember fighting with my siblings so young. I likely did fight as young as 3 but I just choose to not remember, maybe for the sheer reason that I likely started it...selective memory I guess. If I can ever find the cords for my camera I will post video. I do my best to turn each one into a teaching moment and breaking it up as necessary but sometimes while saying no I just have to laugh at these kiddos. Emma plays what I like to call Whack-a-Mole on Isaiah's head. She makes it a point to hit him nowhere else but right smack dab with an open hand on the top of his head. It is premeditated and thought out. Isaiah just looks up at her and makes it a point to hit her back but typically it follows up with him krinkling up his eyebrows and saying in his deepest voice "NooNoo!" Not as funny written out but definitely humorous to watch. Let me work on that camera.

The spilled juice blessing???

If there is anything to be taught in Billy not having a job is to take joy in the little things and live for today. Today it is beautiful out, the sun is shining, the unusually cool breeze going through my house on a mid August day, my kids are healthy, we are all chillin out in our jammies at 1pm....Awesome! I think people get to do this stuff everyday and let the days just pass and take for granted this time. I know I did. I stayed home and yet I only have a few good memories of the year I spent exclusively at home. I could have made memories but instead I found ways to complain about the monotany, the need to feel appreciated (if you dont believe me look at previous posts). I hate having to learn lessons the hard way, yet it seems like that is the only way I get it. So Billy is out of work and I have been working many hours to try to put a dent in the growing amount of debt and past due bills which up till now have been somewhat manageable. Now it is getting tough. We can't keep up like we were before. You can only fix so many family friends and friend of a friend's toilets and faucets before there is nothing to fix. We are praying and recognizing God in all of this which I save for another post, but today I write to just praise Him and let it be known that the little moments matter. This day of breaking up kid fights and cleaning up spilled juice has been a blessing. I love this. Whatever tomorrow brings is irrelevant today. It has no place in consuming my thoughts and robbing me of the beauty of this day as I used to allow it. Praise be to God for giving me perspective.

Its not meant to be understood.

Long time, I know. I have been in a blogging slump. Ive noticed that typically I do not blog as much whenever I have felt like I am running my mouth alot and am able to express myself in talking out loud to other people. That is the case right now. I have had support from many VIP's in my life and therefore am feeling less of a need to talk in a public journal.

I update today mainly because I am sobered by the thought of losing a friend. I feel the need to explain as I have caught myself tearful and emotional and then being questioned in my relationship with this friend. She isnt a best friend, or even someone i consider a close friend. Probably somewhere in the range between acquaintance and friend, but when it comes to my heart and soul friendships, this is one of the closest friends that I have at the moment. Weird maybe, but let me explain. For months (almost a year) I have been praying for a young woman named Leslie from my church. I said a prayer (short and small) when she had her surgery that her doctor said would be a small outpatient surgery to remove some nose polyps. I felt the anxiety for her when they told her they think it may be cancer of her sinuses, I was terrified and my heart hurt when she learned it was a cancerous tumor in her sinuses and forehead. I prayed without cease for her practically every day since, in bed,on my knees, while driving, via email, over the phone with another friend, with my husband, with my kids, in Leslie's front yard, with my extended family, with my church family, out loud, in quiet, in tears, in hope, in loss of hope, in fear for her. I cried and prayed in thought of being her friend, her spouse, her child, her mom, her sister.
As the illness became terminal, I learned so much about myself, the value of a day or even a minute. Recognizing to hold my kids and husband tighter, to get over petty issues with friends, to even find ways to develop relationships that I recognized I took for granted prior. I felt guilt in that I was able to enjoy things she couldn't and yet thankful that I was given the opportunity. Life and death, complicated and complex. The more I think about it the more I think it is supposed to be. If we understood every part of it we wouldnt be able to have moments like this, these paradoxes of thankfulness and confusion, or hope and fear. God wants it this way I think, and until my day comes when I get to meet my Creator I will have to be settled with not understanding. In the meantime, I will continue to trust in what God's plan is for my life and attempt to accept all that gets thrown my way as Leslie has done. Your fight is not in vain my friend, it will have an eternal impact.

Home Sweet Home

Yo yo yiggity yo!
So I recognize that my last post should have had some sort of sappy violin instrumental embedded in it. Dont get me wrong, I meant everything I said but I do know that it was all my emotions published which is really interesting going back and reading when you have been back home for over 24 hours. I definitely have grown a new appreciation for my family. I like the simplicity of my life. When I was on my trip I had the opportunity to spend alot of time with a few people. Some I knew well and others I had just met. As I talked and did lots of listening I realized that what I have is golden. One woman I met actually said she would give anything to be in my life. Prior to last week this would have been a bizarre comment because not only is my life not exciting but it is soooo normal. Even my trip was an attempt for me to add adventure in my life. I have now realized that what I find so typical (boring) is actually what people would give up everything for. Whoah! Husband?kids?? house in need of maintenance?? finances that rely on God's grace every week????...sounds like paradise......not!!! The grass always looks greener on the other side. The ironic thing though is that I came home and the grass I had been trying to grow in my yard for two years that has been patchy and basically just circles of mud in the backyard is flourishing. We laid this great seed mix before I left for my excursion and when I came back the grass is pretty much flush in color and height with the natural grass that has always been there. As icing on the cake my brand new garden is getting sprouts too! This is absolutely literal and absolutely figurative...you take the meaning as you need it today....either you are in need of gardening advice or perspective help. Either way I am totally on the ball with both this week. God is good.

Other note...new favorite movie alert!!!! Juno! If you havent already you have to see it. I have watched it a minimum of 7 times this week and if you think that is only because I was jailed in a hotel all week its not. I am currently at home watching it for the 8th time. My kind of humor....totally.

I am currently "out of town" and have been for about 5 days. I am without my husband and children. As I reflect back on all experiences I have had in my life this distance between my family and I feels similar to taking a part of my body away from me. Dont get me wrong, my experiences have been good but I realized how much I love what God has given me. If I dwell too long on how much I miss them the tears well, my heart hurts, and I feel slightly suffocated. Dramatic I know! It shocks me too! It isnt like I didnt know it would be hard but I didnt know how much my heart would long just to wake up to their hugs and kisses, their little voices, and my husbands bright eyed and bushy tailed attitude when I can barely grunt a "Good Morning". I am so blessed....so very blessed. I know that life will soon return to normal and I will begin to take it all for granted once again but in this moment, right now I have to shout Thank you Almighty!!! I did nothing to deserve it yet you have blessed me in abundance.

Common misconceptions

Okay maybe it is just me or 1 year ago around this time I was dreaming up all sorts of ridiculousness. The fantasies had to do with how different/great life would be as a stay at home mom. It is different and great, but not nearly in the same ways I had expected. Here are the things that I would say was exactly what I was hoping for:
1. There would be days we would stay in pajamas all day.
2. I would feel no Mommy guilt for letting someone else raise my kids.
3. I would get to know my kids and have not doubt that they saw me as number one caregiver.

Okay honestly that is all I can say is absolutely true!

Here are the things I was sure was going to happen that either have never happened or at least not to the level I would have expected. If you are a stay at home mom and agree or at least can relate I would love to hear from you and if you are not I would like to know if this your misconceptions as well.

Myth #1 My house would ALWAYS be clean and organized. Uh, actually I have gotten to an all new level of dirty. I have just been able to spend more time finding ways to make mess in all areas of the house. When I was working I lived in about 4 rooms...now we change scenery a bit which means that we can have complete filth and chaos in every room all at the same time...good times!

Myth #2 I will be able to organize all my pictures and keep up on milestones and maybe even scrapbook. Um....no...how about I just was able to buy new containers to store more pictures. The only milestone I have accurately captured for Isaiah is the day of his birth...everything else...either not recorded or recorded so late that I picked a day around the right week. Again my chances are slim of me being able to lay out pictures and organize them when it is likely that kids will be either stepping on them on the floor or they will need my attention in the amount of time it takes to do so.

Myth #3 I will have play dates all the time. My stay at home mommy friends can attest to the fact that this is not true at all. Although I would like to, money and time still are an issue. I cant manage to get all three of us out of the house in enough time that would actually be worthwhile. Plus most of my stay at home friends live farther than just a couple miles so it becomes an outing.

Myth #4 We would have home cooked meals everyday. With time or without time...I still hate cooking. Gave it a shot and never found the joy. Sounds like frozen pizza tonight kiddos.

Myth #5 I would never miss working. Also not true at all. I actually miss it all the time. I miss my old coworkers, adult contact and MONEY! I definitely do not want to go back but there are aspects that make me realize that working is not the devil!

Myth #6 I would be bored. Never say this. It is not true. Boredom is something I was actually looking forward to once I quit working. It is a word I hadnt remembered saying since before I was in high school. I thought how nice it would be to be able to seek out something to do out of boredom. My kids dont allow for this. They keep me busy always and when they are not my vice known as my laptop is doing the job. I might as well delete the word from my vocabulary since I dont see any use for it any time soon.

Myth # 7 I would have times I would want a break from being with my kids. Okay despite all that I have previously wrote, I do not have a strong desire to spend time away. I love being with them. We have all sorts of fun all day. I get to do all sorts of things that I couldnt do by myself ( or I could but I would definitely be considered a weirdo) like coloring, dancing for 20 minutes a day in my living room, playing ring around the rosie, be able to be all sorts of character voices through reading books and playing with little figurines (you should hear my spongebob laugh...totally realistic), and the list goes on! Now dont get me wrong time away is appreciated but it isnt considered an escape or rescue mission to be away.

I could do more of this list but I have to go back and be with my children as they are waking up from naptime. Moral of the story here folks is that the grass isnt always greener on the other side of the fence but I am happy to say that I have been on both sides and by far the rewards have had much more depth on this side. No regrets.