The spilled juice blessing???

If there is anything to be taught in Billy not having a job is to take joy in the little things and live for today. Today it is beautiful out, the sun is shining, the unusually cool breeze going through my house on a mid August day, my kids are healthy, we are all chillin out in our jammies at 1pm....Awesome! I think people get to do this stuff everyday and let the days just pass and take for granted this time. I know I did. I stayed home and yet I only have a few good memories of the year I spent exclusively at home. I could have made memories but instead I found ways to complain about the monotany, the need to feel appreciated (if you dont believe me look at previous posts). I hate having to learn lessons the hard way, yet it seems like that is the only way I get it. So Billy is out of work and I have been working many hours to try to put a dent in the growing amount of debt and past due bills which up till now have been somewhat manageable. Now it is getting tough. We can't keep up like we were before. You can only fix so many family friends and friend of a friend's toilets and faucets before there is nothing to fix. We are praying and recognizing God in all of this which I save for another post, but today I write to just praise Him and let it be known that the little moments matter. This day of breaking up kid fights and cleaning up spilled juice has been a blessing. I love this. Whatever tomorrow brings is irrelevant today. It has no place in consuming my thoughts and robbing me of the beauty of this day as I used to allow it. Praise be to God for giving me perspective.

Its not meant to be understood.

Long time, I know. I have been in a blogging slump. Ive noticed that typically I do not blog as much whenever I have felt like I am running my mouth alot and am able to express myself in talking out loud to other people. That is the case right now. I have had support from many VIP's in my life and therefore am feeling less of a need to talk in a public journal.

I update today mainly because I am sobered by the thought of losing a friend. I feel the need to explain as I have caught myself tearful and emotional and then being questioned in my relationship with this friend. She isnt a best friend, or even someone i consider a close friend. Probably somewhere in the range between acquaintance and friend, but when it comes to my heart and soul friendships, this is one of the closest friends that I have at the moment. Weird maybe, but let me explain. For months (almost a year) I have been praying for a young woman named Leslie from my church. I said a prayer (short and small) when she had her surgery that her doctor said would be a small outpatient surgery to remove some nose polyps. I felt the anxiety for her when they told her they think it may be cancer of her sinuses, I was terrified and my heart hurt when she learned it was a cancerous tumor in her sinuses and forehead. I prayed without cease for her practically every day since, in bed,on my knees, while driving, via email, over the phone with another friend, with my husband, with my kids, in Leslie's front yard, with my extended family, with my church family, out loud, in quiet, in tears, in hope, in loss of hope, in fear for her. I cried and prayed in thought of being her friend, her spouse, her child, her mom, her sister.
As the illness became terminal, I learned so much about myself, the value of a day or even a minute. Recognizing to hold my kids and husband tighter, to get over petty issues with friends, to even find ways to develop relationships that I recognized I took for granted prior. I felt guilt in that I was able to enjoy things she couldn't and yet thankful that I was given the opportunity. Life and death, complicated and complex. The more I think about it the more I think it is supposed to be. If we understood every part of it we wouldnt be able to have moments like this, these paradoxes of thankfulness and confusion, or hope and fear. God wants it this way I think, and until my day comes when I get to meet my Creator I will have to be settled with not understanding. In the meantime, I will continue to trust in what God's plan is for my life and attempt to accept all that gets thrown my way as Leslie has done. Your fight is not in vain my friend, it will have an eternal impact.

Home Sweet Home

Yo yo yiggity yo!
So I recognize that my last post should have had some sort of sappy violin instrumental embedded in it. Dont get me wrong, I meant everything I said but I do know that it was all my emotions published which is really interesting going back and reading when you have been back home for over 24 hours. I definitely have grown a new appreciation for my family. I like the simplicity of my life. When I was on my trip I had the opportunity to spend alot of time with a few people. Some I knew well and others I had just met. As I talked and did lots of listening I realized that what I have is golden. One woman I met actually said she would give anything to be in my life. Prior to last week this would have been a bizarre comment because not only is my life not exciting but it is soooo normal. Even my trip was an attempt for me to add adventure in my life. I have now realized that what I find so typical (boring) is actually what people would give up everything for. Whoah! Husband?kids?? house in need of maintenance?? finances that rely on God's grace every week????...sounds like paradise......not!!! The grass always looks greener on the other side. The ironic thing though is that I came home and the grass I had been trying to grow in my yard for two years that has been patchy and basically just circles of mud in the backyard is flourishing. We laid this great seed mix before I left for my excursion and when I came back the grass is pretty much flush in color and height with the natural grass that has always been there. As icing on the cake my brand new garden is getting sprouts too! This is absolutely literal and absolutely figurative...you take the meaning as you need it today....either you are in need of gardening advice or perspective help. Either way I am totally on the ball with both this week. God is good.

Other note...new favorite movie alert!!!! Juno! If you havent already you have to see it. I have watched it a minimum of 7 times this week and if you think that is only because I was jailed in a hotel all week its not. I am currently at home watching it for the 8th time. My kind of humor....totally.

I am currently "out of town" and have been for about 5 days. I am without my husband and children. As I reflect back on all experiences I have had in my life this distance between my family and I feels similar to taking a part of my body away from me. Dont get me wrong, my experiences have been good but I realized how much I love what God has given me. If I dwell too long on how much I miss them the tears well, my heart hurts, and I feel slightly suffocated. Dramatic I know! It shocks me too! It isnt like I didnt know it would be hard but I didnt know how much my heart would long just to wake up to their hugs and kisses, their little voices, and my husbands bright eyed and bushy tailed attitude when I can barely grunt a "Good Morning". I am so blessed....so very blessed. I know that life will soon return to normal and I will begin to take it all for granted once again but in this moment, right now I have to shout Thank you Almighty!!! I did nothing to deserve it yet you have blessed me in abundance.

Common misconceptions

Okay maybe it is just me or 1 year ago around this time I was dreaming up all sorts of ridiculousness. The fantasies had to do with how different/great life would be as a stay at home mom. It is different and great, but not nearly in the same ways I had expected. Here are the things that I would say was exactly what I was hoping for:
1. There would be days we would stay in pajamas all day.
2. I would feel no Mommy guilt for letting someone else raise my kids.
3. I would get to know my kids and have not doubt that they saw me as number one caregiver.

Okay honestly that is all I can say is absolutely true!

Here are the things I was sure was going to happen that either have never happened or at least not to the level I would have expected. If you are a stay at home mom and agree or at least can relate I would love to hear from you and if you are not I would like to know if this your misconceptions as well.

Myth #1 My house would ALWAYS be clean and organized. Uh, actually I have gotten to an all new level of dirty. I have just been able to spend more time finding ways to make mess in all areas of the house. When I was working I lived in about 4 rooms...now we change scenery a bit which means that we can have complete filth and chaos in every room all at the same time...good times!

Myth #2 I will be able to organize all my pictures and keep up on milestones and maybe even scrapbook. Um....no...how about I just was able to buy new containers to store more pictures. The only milestone I have accurately captured for Isaiah is the day of his birth...everything else...either not recorded or recorded so late that I picked a day around the right week. Again my chances are slim of me being able to lay out pictures and organize them when it is likely that kids will be either stepping on them on the floor or they will need my attention in the amount of time it takes to do so.

Myth #3 I will have play dates all the time. My stay at home mommy friends can attest to the fact that this is not true at all. Although I would like to, money and time still are an issue. I cant manage to get all three of us out of the house in enough time that would actually be worthwhile. Plus most of my stay at home friends live farther than just a couple miles so it becomes an outing.

Myth #4 We would have home cooked meals everyday. With time or without time...I still hate cooking. Gave it a shot and never found the joy. Sounds like frozen pizza tonight kiddos.

Myth #5 I would never miss working. Also not true at all. I actually miss it all the time. I miss my old coworkers, adult contact and MONEY! I definitely do not want to go back but there are aspects that make me realize that working is not the devil!

Myth #6 I would be bored. Never say this. It is not true. Boredom is something I was actually looking forward to once I quit working. It is a word I hadnt remembered saying since before I was in high school. I thought how nice it would be to be able to seek out something to do out of boredom. My kids dont allow for this. They keep me busy always and when they are not my vice known as my laptop is doing the job. I might as well delete the word from my vocabulary since I dont see any use for it any time soon.

Myth # 7 I would have times I would want a break from being with my kids. Okay despite all that I have previously wrote, I do not have a strong desire to spend time away. I love being with them. We have all sorts of fun all day. I get to do all sorts of things that I couldnt do by myself ( or I could but I would definitely be considered a weirdo) like coloring, dancing for 20 minutes a day in my living room, playing ring around the rosie, be able to be all sorts of character voices through reading books and playing with little figurines (you should hear my spongebob laugh...totally realistic), and the list goes on! Now dont get me wrong time away is appreciated but it isnt considered an escape or rescue mission to be away.

I could do more of this list but I have to go back and be with my children as they are waking up from naptime. Moral of the story here folks is that the grass isnt always greener on the other side of the fence but I am happy to say that I have been on both sides and by far the rewards have had much more depth on this side. No regrets.

Hello...Echo...Echo...Is anybody home?

Okay, is there really a point to me writing right now?? Im sure the majority of my blog followers have given up on me and have found new ramblings to read. I know I have been thoroughly entertained by fellow bloggers who actually keep up with their blog close to daily. Thanks Peepers, Llama, Reconciliation, Ponderings, and TTalking. I have vicariously lived through you folks and have been satisfied up to this point by reading.



As for me...not much has changed since my last post. This is still a product of naptime, or bedtime. I am still a stay at home mom but I do have a great part time job. I am within walking distance of graduation day for my Masters! This is my most exciting news since I have been a Lewis student for a decade! I should be on a wall of fame....or shame, I dont know, but either way I am mentally and physically ready to be out of school.



We are also victim of this recently devastated economy because the Hubby is now going on 4 months of no work. God has truly blessed us and is revealing Himself each day by the fact that we have been able to pay our bills. We remain faithful that God will provide. It is still scary at times. Its one of those times when you say to yourself, If God doesnt show up we are *(choose your expletive)! We know He will...He always has, He still is, and He always will.



One last thought before I end this landmark post...why is it that when you arent keeping up with a blog you have the thought go across your mind 15 times in a day for great blogging topics and ideas. When you are ready willing and able to keep up...your mind goes completely blank.



This is where I am at...

Take it or leave it people.

I dont want to dive!

Since I stopped working I have had this obsession with looking at job postings for possible jobs I would be interested in or could get. Although I am very happy staying at home, there is a piece of the independent woman inside that says that I want to further my career and see how high up I can go.
This obsession is not really an issue but it intrigues me because I spent so much timing figuring out how to get out of a job and now I seem to obsess about the possibilities of having one.
Recently I have been thinking about the fact that when I graduate with my Masters in May I think I will get a part time job. It doesnt smake sense for me not to earn a few extra bucks (in addition to my online job) when I have my Masters. I have a friend who makes about $60 an hour doing counseling for under another woman in private practice. To work even 5 hours a week would be awesome. I have to look into this option at some point.

Other stuff....my little boy can crawl and pull himself up on stuff. It seems like everything happened within like two weeks. My little girl has been saying the cutest things as well. Her latest thing is that since my Mom attempted to explain the picture of my Grandma who passed away to her (where she is, what happened to her) she has been talking alot about it. The funniest thing is the way her brain puts things together. The last thing she told me was that she was old..."my face is old, my arms are old, I am going to dive in the water and go with God in the sky." Something went terribly wrong in the understanding here. Apparently die sounded like dive to her so she needs to dive in the water. The poor girl! We will watch her close when near the deep end of the pool.